Some kids turn every activity into a competition, especially when their siblings are involved.
Getting into the car becomes a race for the front seat.
A backyard game of cricket suddenly morphs into a Test match.
Simple learning activities such as reading a book become a competition to find out who is the BEST.
This constant competition is tiring for parents, particularly mothers.
It usually leads to arguments and mind-numbing statements such as “I am better/smarter/faster/nicer than you!”
I recall hearing one of my kids tell her brother that thefamily dog loves her more than him. Good grief. You can’t argue with that!!!!
So where does kids’ competitiveness come from and what can we do about it?
Temperament plays a part. Some kids are just naturally more competitive and like to be the best. If they can’t be the best then they often won’t compete or do an activity.
Gender impacts as well. Due to their physiology boys tend to be more competitive than girls. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotional arousal and innate competitive spirit is about a sixth bigger in boys than girls. As many teachers know one way to get the best out of boys is to turn a simple learning activity into a quiz or game. Hey presto, they turned on the learning switch by introducing a competitive element.
Family position plays a part. You may notice that kids adjacent to each other in families tend to fight a little harder with each other for supremacy than they do with other kids. So two child families experience a lot of competition.
Family atmosphere contributes to competition. Some families are more competitive by nature than others. Parents can unwittingly turn simple activities into competitions with statements such as “let’s see who’s the best at…….”
Praise can contribute to competition. High praise parents are more likely to raise competitive kids as siblings compete with each other for parental approval. Encouragement, which focuses on the processes rather than the results of kids’ activities is the alternative to praise for parents who want to reduce sibling competition.
Competitive role models impact as well. This aspect is more relevant than many parents realise. As a competitive person I have had to curtail my innate competitiveness when my kids were around. This meant being less overtly competitive than I wanted when watching, playing and talking about sport and focusing more on participation than on winning. It also meant resisting turning every activity into a full-on, points-scoring, I’ll-beat-you game!!
Is competition positive?
Sibling competition is part nature, part nurture. It has a positive place as it is often through competition that we improve and get better.
However in extreme cases it can make family-life hell for parents as competing kids refuse to cooperate with each other or always put each other down.
Kids grow into sibling competitiveness rather than out of it unless some changes are made.
Parents need to contain the competitiveness within their kids. There is a time and a place for competition just as there is a time and place for cooperation. In many ways, it is the true test of family leadership where parents develop a sense of ‘we’ within their family while welcoming some of the competitive elements in their kids.
And if children turn simple activities such as getting in the car into a race for the front seat then remove the competitive element as much as possible. That means insist the kids swap around, or even leave the front seat free if kids fight over it.
Strong, firm parental leadership that reminds kids about acceptable behaviours is always the best approach when kids behave inappropriately – especially when competition is driving the poor behaviour.
Michael Grose is Australia's No.1 parenting expert. He is the director of www.parentingideas.com.au, the author of 7 books for parents & a popular presenter who speaks to audiences in Australia, Singapore & the USA. Get your FREE Chores & Responsibilities for Kids Guide when you visit www.parentingideas.com.au. Get a hold of Michael's sensational new book Why First Borns Rule the World & Last Borns Want to Change It at www.michaelgrose.com.
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