“mom, He Started It!” How To Effectively Deal With Sibling Fighting
Let’s talk about setting up expectations for unacceptable sibling behaviors. If you don’t want your child hurting or threatening his siblings you spell it out. You have been telling him directly that this is unacceptable behavior. He continues to act out and now you have to come up with a consequence. so incredibly simple. Then why isn’t this working?
A lot of reasons; You Are:
• Overwhelmed
• Tired
• Feel guilty
• Methods you use don’t work
• Afraid of what the acting out child might do in retaliation.
• And many more reasons…
As a Parent Coach, I have worked with many parents and have noticed the following: Most parents resort to a few consequences, such as, taking away TV, computer, phone, sending the child to his room or grounding the child from all outside activities. I have known children that were always grounded. Just when they got their freedom restored, they would do something else and be grounded again. They end up having few friends because they are never available to play or they end up cancelling the plans they made with other kids because they got grounded again. I knew a mom that grounded her son from coming to my son’s birthday party. My son was terribly hurt. In addition to punishing her son, she indirectly punished my son! Furthermore, these kids end of being angry and resentful and feel that they can’t do anything right. And parents end up feeling like prison guards.
Remember…
YOU will have to see that face day in and day out, begging you to reconsider. SO… Think of a consequence that is swift and logical. I personally like restitution in cases like sibling fighting. An example, would be to do something nice for, with the person that you hurt. (Maybe take over one of their chores or help them with their homework). If they disrespected someone in the family, have them write a letter of apology and do something kind for the hurt person. Your job is to design the consequence with your child and insure that it is carried out.
The key to Setting up Consequences is to make this a meaningful and teachable moment! This is one more way of taking back your PARENTING POWER. You need to be on 100%. So pick a day that you are rested and in fairly good spirits, have someone you can call for support if you feel yourself caving…and carry on COMMANDING RESPECT, you deserve it! don’t you?
Susan P. Epstein, LCSW, Parent Life Coach, works with parents looking to get control of their family life. She practiced psychotherapy for 23 years before becoming a coach, writer and speaker. An expert in the areas of family dynamics, parenting and child development, Susan will uncover and unleash your parenting power. You can read more of Susan's parenting articles, and the special report 'Take Back Your Parenting Power" at Susan's website www.ParentingPowers.com .
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