I am not sure which would impact me the most, first hearing that my child was a child bully, or hearing that my child was a bully victim! Both situations are ones that most parents dread having to ever hear about their child. Similar, yet different. Involving the same social problem, yet impacting the child in different ways. To put things another way, the child has assumed the role in their social ranking as either the prey or the predator.
As a parent, it is our responsibility to take action should we find out that our child has been accused of tormenting and intimidating other children. Ideally it would be helpful if we could have some insight into the fact that there may be a behavior problem, before we have to find out from someone else, such as the dreaded phone call from the school, police, or hearing it through the neighbourhood "grapevine". What we need are some helpful child bully guidelines to help identify this potential behavior problem.
How you react to this unpleasant news that your child is a bully will set the tone for all future dealings between you and your child over this problem. Outrage and threats will in most situations only make things worse and sever the much needed lines of open and honest communication between you and your child. Instead, take a deep breath, clear your mind and carefully plan your next move. Use your mind, rather than your heart, to move forward.
Consider the following "action steps" if you are unsure of what to do if your child is bullying others.
Action Steps For Parents
Action Step #1: Remain Calm
Upon learning that your child is bullying, remain calm and focus on getting as many facts, not opinions, as possible about the incident before discussing it with your child. If school related, then talk to the teacher or other school staff involved to find out what exactly happened.
Action Step #2: Set Expectations
Discuss in very clear terms the kind of behavior you expect to see from your child and that bullying of any kind, verbal or physical, is inappropriate and unacceptable.
Action Step #3: Ask Why
Provide your child with the opportunity to explain why they felt the need to bully another child. This can easily lead into a discussion of other non-aggressive ways that your child could have dealt with the situation, or more appropriate ways of expressing their feelings.
Action Step #4: Change Places
It is important for the child bully to learn to show empathy towards their victim. Discuss how the targeted child must have felt when being attacked and how they would have felt being the victim. Impress on your child that no one deserves to be bullied, no matter what the circumstances.
Action Step #5: Mending Fences
Clearly a wrong has been committed against another child. Talk about ways that your child could make amends for what they did. Encourage a face to face verbal apology along with an assurance to the victim that this will not happen again.
Some parents mistakenly believe that buying a "gift" for the victim on behalf of their child will solve the problem. Big mistake, as the child bully is showing no personal responsibility for their inappropriate behavior as they see mom or dad buying them out of trouble.
Action Step #6: Rules and Consequences
Part of your action plan must include very clear rules and consequences should the bullying behavior continue. Rules may include after school and weekend curfews, where and who the child is allowed to hang out with, and any other actions that will allow you to monitor their behavior.
Consequences must be reasonable and meaningful to the child. For example a
consequence of no TV for a week if caught bullying, means little to a child that has access to online chat, games, X-Box, or Playstation during their "grounded time".
Avoid at all times any consequences that involve physical force such as spankings, as these may actually reinforce the aggressive behavior, that the use of physical force is an acceptable way to solve a problem.
Action Step #7:Goals and Feedback
Don't think that you can change the bullying behaviors of your child over night or in a week. Such behaviors are learned over extended periods of time, depending upon the age of the child, and will take perhaps months or years to completely disappear.
For now, set some short term goals that the child can realistically meet. Depending on the situation, perhaps a day or a week at a time without any reports of bullying behavior. Don't forget to praise your child not only for meeting the goals, but also for making an effort when things don't go well.
Action Step #8:Communication
As you embark on a course of action to support your child in dealing with their
inappropriate behavior problem, remember to let others know what you are doing such as the child's school and teacher, neighbours, and even other people that your child may have contact with such as a sports coach. You cannot be with your child 24 hours per day, 7 days a week, so these people can act as your eyes and ears in the community. Keeping watch on your child and offering their support should the child be tempted to engage in bullying behavior when you are not around.
Action Step #9:Look in the Mirror
Many of us forget that we are behavior models for our children from a very young age. Do we exhibit any types of inappropriate behavior in front of our children that may have contributed to their development into a child bully? If we use verbal abuse and/or physical violence in our home to solve problems, what messages are we sending to our child. "Do as I say, not as I do" is a poor message for any child. As parents we need to be consistently role modeling the types of good behavior we want to see in our children, especially for the child bully.
Finally, I would encourage you to keep things in perspective regarding child bullying. Research as well as common sense supports the fact that most children, at some time in their life, do bully other children occasionally due to stress. Reasons may include:
1. Sibling rivalry (we have this lots at my house!) :)
2. Stress from school work.
3. Upset about problems in the home.
4. Death of a family member.
5. Break up of the family unit.
6. Relationship problems outside the family.
7. Simple boredom (yep, see this one at my house too!) :)
8. Frustrated over an on-going problem in their life.
9. Just having a "bad" day and need to vent on someone.
Bullying due to these kinds of incidents, is still wrong, and needs to be addressed by the parent. The good news is that with some discussion about the inappropriate behavior and reasonable consequences, the child will usually see the error of their ways and be willing to made amends to the offended party. This type of child is not the one that we need to worry about as parents.
Unfortunately, there are children out there, who for many different reasons seem to be involved in repeated incidents of bullying, both in the home and outside, at school, the playground, etc. These children may exhibit some of the following characteristics:
1. Exhibit aggressive behavior most of the time.
2. Display a lack of self-control.
3. Enjoy any situation involving violence.
4. Have a low opinion of themselves.
5. Like to "stir things up".
6. Refuse to take ownership of their inappropriate behavior.
7. Unlikely to feel sorry for the victim.
8. May be victims of bullying themselves.
9. Find it difficult to socialize normally with other children.
These are the children who are most "at risk" and need the support of the parents and society in general to help them deal with their over aggressive behavior towards other children now, and perhaps other adults later in life.
If you are looking for more information about children who bully, visit Barry Kareful's bullying prevention website for additional information and resources on the child bully.
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