Bereavement: Coping With The Pain In An Active Way

When we lose someone close to us, it can take time to accept their loss rationally in our heads. It can take time to accept their loss emotionally in our hearts. It can take time to re-discover who we are and to accept our new identity without the person we love. Taking these steps can help us with our grief and to deal with death.

There is another way to become more active in our bereavement coping strategies. We need to find the time to rediscover our old friendships and develop new friendships which match the new self we have found.

Support in the days and weeks after we lose someone we love is essential. But longer term support is just as essential. The long term support that we need is not simply something that can be given by other people. Long term support is something we can seek out for ourselves and allow others to give us. This sort of support might even be a support between two people who share similar circumstances.

We know from experience that people who are able to find a new sense of stability in their lives and begin to find some different pleasure in life can recover more quickly. We know from experience that people who look for and find new relationships with friends (old or new) and family recover more quickly.
This is not forgetting the past. It is about finding a new future in the context of the past and our new selves. Actually avoiding this approach may result in a withdrawal, or a depression and, possibly, a road to complicated grief.

In some ways our grief is never over. The famous psychoanalyst Freud said:
'We find a place for what we lose. Although we know that after such a loss the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute. No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else.'
Our own way of behaving can help us on our path out of mourning as we interact with other people. Or it can detract. For example, if we carry on just as before, with no change in our lives without understanding the change in ourselves, we can suffer as distressingly as if we withdraw. Actively finding a new path to help with our bereavement is helpful.

There is an old tradition in England that mourning would last for a year and a day. In that way all of the painful anniversaries and celebrations would have passed at least once and with each coming year, the pain can be lessened. Each year on, survival is easier, surrounded by new and old friends and happy memories, not just grief.

By understanding that we can engage in mourning in an active way, we can find a way to understand who we are now and discover the difference in our lives.

By: Emilie Warren

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Dr Emilie Warren has wide experience of helping people cope with grief and bereavement as well as understanding their own fears around death and dying. She is an accomplished writer on the subject, hosting her own website, www.dealingwithdeath.com. Become active in your bereavement coping strategy to help deal with death by reading her articles: www.dealingwithdeath.com/bereavement-coping/