Children And Grief: Dealing With The Loss Of A Child

Losing a child can cause us to become beside ourselves with grief. This will be a loss that will impact not only on you but on the whole family.

Here are some things to consider. Understanding these issues can sometimes be helpful:

Within every family is a balance. The parents have developed their own roles and the children will have their roles in relation to this. There will not only be acute pain and grief but also a change in the balance of the family.

We all express our grief in different ways and at different times. With the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, each will express their loss in a different way and at a different time. This can cause tensions. Why is one child apparently more or less upset than the other? In the parents there can be anger that they are not each feeling the same way.

If families do not mourn openly, there can be problems expressing the grief and this can cause long term problems. Silence can lead to a downwards spiral of grief.

The changes that will take place within a family are very difficult to acknowledge or even assess from within the family, especially if there is this silence. It means you have to brave to express your grief. In reality, it is sensible to seek some sort of help to deal with the unbearable grief when a child dies.

One thing to be careful about is not to imply in any way to the surviving children that they should replace the lost child in any, however hard that may seem to be.

Be aware that trying to protect your family by being secretive or closed about your grief is counter-productive and may have bad long-term effects. Children will copy and mimic their parents in the belief that this is the right behaviour. In that case, the mourning process can be suppressed. The mourning process and a shared journey of grief discovering the new identities within the family is one thing that can really help.

In the developed world, the loss of a child is a rare thing. We are used to children surviving into adulthood and so this type of bereavement can be more difficult to understand than the loss of someone older. As a consequence, it is likely that people will say things to you that you would rather not hear. These things may make you angry. It is fine to be angry if people say stupid things.

To help cope with your suffering, find other people who can really support you and who may have some idea of what you may feel.

By: Emilie Warren

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Dr Emilie Warren has wide experience of helping people cope with grief and bereavement as well as understanding their own fears around death and dying. She is an accomplished writer on the subject, hosting her own website, www.dealingwithdeath.com. She has a Master's degree and a PhD from Cambridge University in England. She is also an ordained Christian minister. For more help and advice please visit www.dealingwithdeath.com/children-and-grief/