Dealing With Death - Helping To Understand Grief

Coping with bereavement is not an easy thing to do. We need to take time. We need to have courage. We need to understand and make an effort to move on.

Inevitably we will all lose someone close to us, be it a spouse, a partner, a friend or a child. When it is someone very close, we become different people ourselves and we need to recognise this.

One of the most important things we can do to help ourselves to recover is to understand that a change has occurred. This change will affect us all in many ways, large and small. Some of the changes we find in ourselves will only emerge as time passes.

There are some things we can do to understand the changes and the progress of our grief.

First, we should accept the loss rationally.

It can be helpful to tell ourselves a story of what has happened. By considering what has occurred and how the death happened, we can create a picture for ourselves of what happened over a few hours or weeks. If the departed had been suffering from a long illness, the account may cover many years.

By simple trying to answer the questions "What happened? Why did this happen? Why has this happened to me?" we know that this is helpful to many, many people. This is the case even if there can be no real answer. By telling the story of how the death occurred you can be drawn away from thinking of only the moment of death. You can begin to understand your loss.

Next, we should accept our loss emotionally.

In grieving, it can be helpful for us not to avoid reminders of our loss, as it can help us to accept our loss emotionally, in our hearts.

We know that we are beginning to accept the loss we have suffered when we stop trying to avoid these reminders, as they may cause us too much suffering or cause us to break down. However, we should know that each reminder can bring a lessening of distress.

Emotional acceptance of a loss of someone we have loved can never really be complete. They have been a part of the journey of our lives. But by remembering our lives together, we can find an acceptance in having memories of happy times together, rather than dwelling on death and loss.

Finally we should discover who we are now.

Once we have begun to accept our loss in our minds and in our hearts, we do need to discover that we are someone new; and we need to reassess our identity. This is a vital part of dealing with bereavement. For some, this is just a matter of time. For others religious ceremonies may help. For others, it can help to talk about this.

The traditional wearing of black during a period of mourning is a symbol of discovering our new self, a period without pressure before we 'wear' our new identity.

By: Emilie Warren

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Dr Emilie Warren has wide experience of helping people cope with grief and bereavement as well as their own fears around death and dying. She is an accomplished writer on the subject, hosting her own website, www.dealingwithdeath.com. She has a Master's degree and a PhD from Cambridge University in England. She is also an ordained Christian minister. As well as her work with the human soul and spirit, she has a wide range of knowledge across secular psychological arenas. She discusses specific issues about understand death and dealing with bereavement in her website.