You know the scenario with the defiant child. Either a screaming match before she goes to bed or just not getting up for school, 'school sucks', slamming doors, homework not done and generally abusive defiant behavior which will exhaust you. What do you do when the going gets tough ?
With the smaller defiant child, you need to focus on the good behavior when it happens and praise it and tell the child . Also use affection and hugs when you do this. Be specific and tell the child what he has done well. This is better than just saying vaguely 'Great job'. Contrast this to yelling, spanking, scolding and punishing. Why is the bad behavior getting all the attention ? That sort of parental 'control' is just going to boomerang and you are going to get nowhere.
Another technique to use is to decide what you are going to ignore and what you are going to insist on. Here you are picking your battles and this is a great way of prioritizing the child's behavior because there are certain limits that you have to insist on and you feel are worth fighting a battle for.
Use the word 'Don't' sparingly and focus on positive commands with the defiant child. So, suggest where she can put her toys, rather than telling NOT to put them somewhere. By following a behavior modification program, you can learn more techniques to help you deal with a defiant child and especially in avoiding meltdowns and also diffusing some situations which can explode in your face.
With older kids and preteens, the problems of getting up for school and actually going to school is a big problem and challenging. Instead of getting into arguments , you need to insist that the child is taking responsibility. He or he has to do homework (not the teacher!) and the victim stance whereby the child says that it is all the teacher's fault is just a shield for not taking responsibility. Being accountable is key. It is usually a question of boundaries and the word 'no' seems to be sending a signal in order to feel secure and to protect themselves.
Dealing with the defiant child is easy when you take a short course in behavior modification techniques and I know thousands of parents who have followed this and defiant children have turned into pleasant and cooperative children.
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