Develop Receptive Listening As A Parent, And Develop A Life Skill

What is receptive listening? It's the skill of truly listening - figuring out how the other person feels about a situation, and understanding why they feel the way they do. Adding concern shows compassion. And doing this time after time makes you a good receptive listener. It really isn't hard to be a receptive listener, and can make a huge difference between a successful and a failed relationship. Many people develop mental or even physical illness due to the stored pain of never having been listened to properly. Caring enough to take the time to REALLY listen to what a person feels or thinks is one of the greatest gifts you can give them, even if it's something that is hard to hear.

When someone wants to tell you something they feel is important, a good receptive listener knows that they aren't looking for conversation, and will let the other person speak. As they are talking to you, use these techniques:

1. Use signals to show you're paying attention:

Stop all interruptions like TV, telephones, other person to show that you're focused on them
Maintain eye contact
Use body language to show you're listening: lean in towards them, use facial expressions, or nod your head
Occasional use short phrases to show you're listening and encourage them to continue: "I understand, wow, right, I see, oh no"...and many more.

2. Develop trust

"No, I won't tell anyone if you don't want." "This is between us." And you must keep your promise. Let them open up and share their thoughts and feelings, even if they are angry, excited, happy, frightened, aren't making sense, depressed, crying, or even using the accusatory you towards YOU. Don't interrupt them.

3. Avoid these common mistakes

Interrupting them to inject your story or opinion
Asking questions - these steer people and might take them in a direction they didn't want to go
Share their emotion
Attempting to solve their problems. This is a big very common mistake - you feel like you need to be helpful, or need to help them be logical when they're emotional. Later on, after they've calmed down, you can help with problem solving.
Act like you're if you're not. If you're not able to fully pay attention now, ask for another time.
"I know how you feel" - this phrase reduces the significance of what they're feeling by implying that you've been there and done that.
Getting defensive or putting blame on them if they've made mistakes

4. Insight check

After they've finished their story, check that you've understood them correctly. In their excitement, you might not have. Check your insight and sum it up into a simple sentence. Don't begin a discussion unless appropriate.

"You're worried that your father may die after this experimental surgery."

"You're disappointed that your son is doing poorly in school since hanging out with this new crowd."

"You're nervous but excited about the new job you're starting."

Even though it might be instinct to try and get them to settle down and use their head, you need to let them express what they are thinking and feeling, even if it sounds illogical to you.

By: Jayne A. Major

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Jayne A. Major, Ph. D. is the author of Breakthrough Parenting: Moving Your Family from Struggle to Cooperation which she has taught for the last 25 years. Please visit BreakthroughParentingOnline.com for more parenting resources including online parenting classes and community.