From "oughts" To Thoughts -- Creating Positive Family Behaviors

In almost every newspaper, magazine, periodical and TV talk show, you're likely to find articles or opinion pieces about parenting. Parenting is a hot item. As parents of babies and little kids, we all want to be doing the right things. On the other hand, is it possible that as parents of older kids, our pressing need is to learn how to re-direct misbehavior?

It seems that there might be a dividing line where many parents must shift from being a pro-active parent (doing the right thing to get the right result) to becoming a remedial agent (inhibiting "bad" behaviors and/or re-directing or re-training them) toward proper behaviors.

It also seems that "Behavior" is the primary focus of many parents--teaching our children proper behaviors and stopping our children from demonstrating improper behaviors. To ensure that our kids are truly ready for the challenges of adulthood, we might want to widen that goal. It's possible that if we can instill proper thoughts and ideas, we might get the behaviors we want without having to resort to punishment or external consequences to control the behaviors we don't want.

Our Children's Thoughts often come from Family "Oughts"

From the time they are teeny-tiny, our children are watching us. They are taking cues from us about how to do things--drinking from a cup, using a spoon, finding cookies in the cupboard. It is safe to assume that their copied behaviors are a reflection of the behaviors we have demonstrated and they have observed. They learn their behaviors by watching us--if this is the way others do it, this is how I should do it too.

It is useful to notice how we adults list, demonstrate and enforce the rules of our families. We use phrases that suggest that "This is the way our family does it" which translates to "this is the way you [little child] ought to do it, too". To evidence their family membership, small children will often have very precocious social directives: "You can't sit there; that's Daddy's chair"; or "People with tattoos are bad"; or "You never put the milk in the bowl before the cereal". These statements suggest that their youthful speakers have heard or absorbed these notions from adults or "grown-ups" in their environment.

Family rules identify the family members--aligning the group, defining their common ideology and keeping the group cohesive and sometimes even safe. And, the "oughts" become thoughts that do not get examined--in a way, they are absorbed into a child's belief system under-the-radar. An example of an "ought thought" that works for little kids is "we ought to hold hands when we cross a busy street". An example of an "ought thought" that works for the family but doesn't work for the child is "you ought to drop out of high school because we need everyone to work to support our family".

It is wise to consider what we're teaching our children to think and believe:

• If we repeatedly criticize a child for being lazy, he is likely to internalize the belief about himself. The downside is that the label could brand him as he matures. What will press him into becoming industrious (the opposite of lazy) when he reaches adulthood believing that he is lazy?

• If we minimize the family belief about the importance of education by celebrating the time off (weekends, "snow days" and summer vacation), are we not potentially undermining our child's respect for learning? Is it possible that our children will believe that learning is what you endure and that time off is what you live for?

• What if "work" is thought to be drudgery? Is it possible that a child's attitude about work-ethic may be damaged if "work" is considered a bad thing and "play" is to be sought at all costs? What if instead, a sense of accomplishment accompanies the challenge of a project or a sense of satisfaction is the result of a job well done?

• And, what if a child comes to believe that his/her satisfaction is the responsibility of the people around him/her? Perhaps the biggest danger to a child's belief of "I can do it" is a family message that a child ought never struggle. Maybe we need to instill an "ought thought" that includes the message of the joy of the challenge and the pride of achievement.

Our #1 task as parents is to be sure our children survive to adulthood! Of course we want to be certain they are fed properly and protected from the elements--for their physical well being. In addition, there are safety considerations that must be taught to ensure our children don't foolishly jump from an unsafe height, that they don't take rides from strangers and that they don't re-chew gum that is stuck under the picnic table. These "lessons" well-learned can increase the odds that our children will physically make it to adulthood. But that's not all they need to know--They need to learn how to live productively in the world when they no longer have parents and family to feed and clothe them.

As adults, they'll need to be independent and able to fend for themselves--and it will also be useful if they are able to enter into healthy and caring relationships for the benefit of their future children….who will have to learn how to achieve independence, productivity and satisfaction. The thoughts we teach through our family belief of "oughts", will likely make all the difference in the successful transition from dependent child to independent adult if they are positive, encouraging and inspire competence.

By: Judy Armes, MS

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