How To Save Your Marriage And Break The Negative Cycles Of Divorce
A Problem With My Fence
It was time. We had moved into our house seventeen years before. Then, everything was new... including the fence I was about to repair.
A neighbor had stopped by that morning and was concerned that one of our two dogs was able to push a fence board aside and stick her head out. The neighbor was concerned our small Boston Terrier, Maggie, would get out of the yard and get hit by a car on our busy street.
I inspected the part of the fence that Maggie was putting her head through. It was in a corner of the yard where two sections of fence were joined together by a 4x4 post. What was a brand new fence when we moved in was sadly in need of repair.
I hadn't noticed... over the years water had been draining into that corner of the yard and was sitting inside the post and slowly rotting it. Adding to the problem was an infestation of worms and insects. They had been feasting on the cellulose fibers of the wood for almost two decades and now I could literally break off large chunks of the post with my bear hands. The support structure of the fence was only a artificial shell of “strength.” With little effort, Maggie was able to push the fence boards aside with her head. She just didn't know she could have jumped through.
A Problem With Marriage
As I began taking the fence apart I began to reflect on our experience with Marriage Encounter. For more than ten years my wife, Deborah, and I had been clergy presenters. We had met close to 250 couples at different stage of marital health. Some had come to the weekend to make a good marriage better. For others it was their last chance effort to save their marriage before divorce court.
Why were some marriages solid and others, in just a few years time, ready to be dismantled and hauled away like my rotten fence. I took several pieces of the old fence post and compared them with a new fence post I had purchased. “Well, it had a good a seventeen year run anchoring these two sections of fence,” I reasoned. But, looking down the fence line I saw other 4x4 posts that were just as old and still strong. Luck of the draw? Defective post? As I ticked through the reasons why this particular post had fallen prey to the water, worms, and insects, it became apparent. It wasn't the post's fault, defect, or placement in the yard that brought failure. It was my negligence in not making sure that area of the yard had proper drainage. As it sat in water, the forces of nature slowly over seventeen years had eaten away it's strength bit by bit until it was too weak to do it's job. Now it was too late.
Save Your Marriage and Break The Negative Cycles Of Divorce
Marriages are much the same. The strength is kept by paying attention to the small details. The marriages we encountered that were close to divorce had fissures of neglect deeply etched through the years. The negative cycles of divorce had been reinforced year after year until there was not much left to hold the marriage together.
Is your marriage in trouble? What negative cycles are present and are they being reinforced? People are also very different from fences. People have been given the gift to heal. I personally believe that once the negative cycles of divorce are broken, healing can begin. Almost every couple close to divorce attending our Marriage Encounter weekends left with a newfound determination to save their marriage by being attentive to the small details. No, it's not easy, but its definitely worth it.
Pastor Wink Farrand has been a spiritual leader for over 35 years. He regularly writes a blog for saving marriages and breaking the negative cycles of divorce. He includes several different courses couples can use as a resource to fast track their marriages away from divorce and into health.
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