It seems like it is always the children who suffer the most when adults make mistakes or bad decisions. This is particularly true when a couple with children determine that life together is unbearable and unfixable and divorce is the only answer.
Divorce is never easy, not even when there are no children involved. The difficulties are compounded when there are children involved. Parents must do everything in their power to diminish the painful effects of divorce on the children.
In the midst of a family going through a divorce, children will experience a variety of emotions. They will be angry: angry at the situation, the parents, and even themselves. Younger children are likely to blame themselves for the divorce. The parents, while experiencing their own emotional chaos, must strive to help the child understand that it is not their fault.
Children will also feel great sadness and a deep sense of loss. They may have concerns about where they will live and if they will lose their familiar surroundings and friends as well as their family unit as they know it. Schoolwork and grades frequently suffer as the child loses the ability to concentrate.
Some of the effects of divorce are expressed differently based on the child’s gender. Boys externalize their feelings by acting out aggressively, being hyperactive, or disruptive. They are much more susceptible to substance abuse. Girls are more likely to internalize their negative emotions by becoming withdrawn, being depressed, and becoming anxious. They are susceptible to early sexual activity.
Regardless of the conflict in the marriage, the parents need to pull together and provide a united front to deal with the children’s reactions with love and support. Unless there is legitimate fear of harm to the child, the custodial parent should encourage frequent visitation with the other parent. This is crucial during the early stages of the separation. Studies have shown that parental involvement declines when access has been restricted in the initial stages of separation.
Remember, they are children, not pawns or spies or tug-o-war objects. How the parents handle the divorce and its effect on the children will have a huge impact on their ability to have relationships as adults.
Studies indicate that some children will experience relief by the separation and divorce if there has been a great deal of conflict in the family. Surprisingly, the child most devastated by a divorce is the child whose parents decide to divorce and there has not been a lot of conflict. These devastating divorces have the most chance of being avoided with counseling.
To lessen the negative impact of the divorce on children, parents should try mediation to reduce the conflict and keep discord out of the legal process of the divorce as much as possible. Choose attorneys with your best interest at heart, attorneys who have experience in family law and will assist you in completing the dissolution of the marriage as fairly and quickly as possible.
Charles Sellestor is a family counselor and mediator, helping families work through issues and find QDRO consultants and Sacramento child support attorneys. If you are looking for a divorce attorney in Sacramento to help you with tricky divorce issues such as navigating the California child custody laws, Charles highly recommends Keegan & Meyers.
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