In The End, It's Just A Little Nip N Tuck

A vasectomy is to a group of men what childbirth is to a group of women: a shared crisis which brings them together. Of course, when you're young (and stupid) you don't think that kind of thing will ever concern you. After all, you are a man. If someone that you are married to wants to protect herself from getting pregnant, then she can just go get herself fixed. However, once one is married, one starts hearing the whispers of reality. Older husbands that you know and respect are overheard talking about 'making the appointment.' Senior staff members disappear from work for days at a time, only to return with a strange new love for frozen vegetables. This is nature's way of arousing a man's curiosity and at the same time, preparing him for what must inevitably befall his person, as it were.

In many ways, I'm lucky that my wife knows me like the back of her hand. In fact, the back of her hand and I are well acquainted. Unfortunately, in this instance that relationship did not work to my advantage. In fact, I believe that I may have been downright manipulated into something that I'm not sure I wanted to do.

For the past year or so, we were debating as to whether we were done having kids. Husbands and wives use different data for making that decision. Husbands ask themselves questions like: 'Do I feel like changing more diapers?','When will I get to sleep through the night?' and 'How soon can we kick the kids out so that my wife and I can get frisky?' Wives, on the other hand, are not rational at all. They do things like watch home movies; memorize Long Distance commercials and buy Anne Geddes calendars. These things should not be the basis for making life (and body) altering decisions.

As you know, the debate was put to rest when my wife got herself pregnant. Actually, being pregnant really did bring us to a resolution: "AAUGH! My legs! My back! This is DEFINITELY the last one!"

Having finally made a decision, I could breathe a sigh of relief. That is, until I discovered the exact consequences of that decision: "You need to make an appointment with the doctor. It's time."

Now let me just warn you guys that once a woman makes up her mind in this regard, nothing you can say will change it. In fact, the more you try to reason with her, the tougher she gets.

YOU:" Honey, I'm not sure this is a good idea."

HER:" Oh, it's a good idea alright. If you think that I'm going to push THREE children out of me AND THEN go in to get fixed, you've got another think coming!"

From this point, the conversation degrades into a long and descriptive diatribe of each child's delivery. To avoid getting nauseous, you make the stupid appointment. Even so, you are apprehensive of the course of action you seem to be on. Your mind is racing for a scheme that will get you out of this predicament. However, your wife KNOWS you and how your little brain works. No amount of thinking on your part could prepare you for the next day WHEN YOUR WIFE CHANGES HER MIND.

HER:" Honey, maybe you were right. Maybe we should wait. This baby is sooo cute. I would hate for it to be the last one..."

YOU:" WHAT?! You want MORE? No way! I'm getting fixed!"

And with that, you have suddenly sealed the deal. Somehow your wife has gotten you to agree to something that you were dead set against. Perhaps when they are 'fixing' you, they can do something about that faulty brain of yours, as well.

By: Mark Thrice

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