Custom Search
|
|
Profit & Loss - Manipulation
I happened to mention the fact she was not supposed to be downstairs. She looked up at me, while doing the eye thing, and coyly announced she had some badges to show me. "What badges?" I asked. She belongs to a church kid's group and had won some badges, of course. Why didn't I already know this? Then it struck me. At three years old, this darling little person was working me. I believe manipulate is the word of choice in this situation. She figured out something I would be interested in and used it as an excuse to stay downstairs. If Auntie Paidra thought it was all right for her to be there, then Mommy would certainly have to agree. As I drank my cup of coffee I started thinking about what had just taken place. A babe in the woods already understood how to get what she wanted. If she could interest me in what she was talking about, she would be able to step around the instructions her mother had clearly laid out. How much different is that then what we experience as adults dealing with the people around us? How does this tie in with the PROFIT & LOSS concept? If we are using manipulation to get what we want, then ME is profitting. ME FIRST, ME LAST, LONG LIVE ME!!!! (Be sure to read my other Profit & Loss articles) "My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips." How many times have we heard that expression? I hate to say this, but most likely the teller is not stretching the truth. The guilt trips are something we learn how to use as children and inhance as we grow older. Guilt trips are probably one of the most effective weapons manipulative people are able to use. If I want somebody to do something for me they wouldn't ordinarily consent to, then I must find a way to convince them to change their mind. This is so much easier then finding a different way to accomplish what I need. There are several basic guilt trips we can take others on. "If you really loved me" is one. (cared for me can we used for those not quite as close) "I don't mean to bring this up, but I have done an awful lot for you" is another. If we think about it for a moment, we can all add others to the list. One older woman I knew manipulated her daughter to do whatever she wanted. It finally cost the daughter her marriage. The mother made the correct clucking sounds about the divorce but the truth of the matter was she didn't really care. If she did, she would have changed her ways. She didn't, which spoke louder then the lip service she paid the daughter. It's true the mother had serious health issues. But time and time again she convinced her daughter to spend the night at her house. She was a widow and didn't want to be alone. I should point out the mother was financally able to hire a care-giver. The daughter felt gulty if she left mom and went home to her husband. Eventually he tired of sleeping alone. One could say the mother just needed her daughter's help and support. One could also say I am being harsh in my analysis of the situation. I'm not. Trust me. The mother was a user and didn't seem to mind whom she used as long as she got what she wanted. The mother Profitted at the cost of the daughter's marriage. I suspect the divorce was a complete Loss to the daughter. If the mother truly loved the daughter, she would have been sensitive to the daughter's needs. The daughter and her husband had no children. Perhaps a compromise could have been reached. The mother had money. She could easily afford to outfit a bedroom in the house where-by the husband could have also stayed over night. I realize I'm not telling the entire story. The mother didn't care for the husband and would do nothing to make his life easier. The husband couldn't help but dislike her in return. The husband was not a controller and instead of fighting back, simply drifted off. The victims of controllers lack the ability to go head to head with their abusers. And the controllers know this. It would have been so easy for the mother to have everything she wanted simply by giving a little of herself. Have it all and still have the daughter's love and devotion. Stretch herself a bit to meet the needs of her daughter and son-in-law. Instead, she approached life in such a callus fashion which has no excuse. When the mother finally passed away, the crowd at the funeral was comprised mainly of the daughter and son-in-law's friends. All of the mother's wrangling profitted her very little. She was not able to touch many lives beyond her own. There is an expression about somebody being a big fish in a small pond. How about one about an only fish in a pond? The mother was the only fish in the pond of her own digging. The only one that really mattered to her, anyway. Has someone really lived a rich, full life by being selfish? Anybody who has read my articles know I work in a nursing home. Everybody should spend a little time walking the halls of these facilities. A smile freely given to a wheel chair bound lonely person is hard to explain. If watching their face light up does not bring happiness to the giver, then it's time for a complete overhaul of the emotional structure. I've worked around nurses and nurses aides (CNA) who do not have one selfish bone in their body. For eight hours a day, they extend themselves to their patients. Obviously, this is the type of job which requires a very specific type of person. Let's face it, not all of us can be that caring but we can learn to set aside our basic selfishness. We all are able to consider the needs of the person next to us. Oh sure, there are people in the industry who should not be there. This is the group the mother in the beginning of this article belong in. Giving of yourself takes a certain degree of effort. Being selfish only requires us to life under the same standards as my little three year old neice. Except at her age, she doesn't know any better. I'm not advocating we cease to consider ourselves whenever we deal with others. No matter what any of us say, there will always be the users. We can (and must) protect ourselves from them. When we enter into any sort of interaction with another person, we must identify who they are and what they want. Are they seeking my benefit? Controllers need an exchange of words in order to take advantage of us. When they are talking, do we feel totally comfortable with what they are saying? Is it easy to identify the benefit to us with what they are purposing? If we feel uncomfortable with their idea, why? Are we thinking of going along with them just because it's easier? In the past, has this person sought our benefit? Or, has our interaction with them left a bad taste in our mouth? Don't forget that users (controllers) try to sugar coat what they are saying. I'm firmly convinced they think of what they want and then try to package it in a wrapper that will be of interest to the person they are going after. The target, if you will. The first step in protecting ourselves is to identify who the users are. I'll use an example all of us can clearly see. I'm sitting at my desk and Mary sticks her head in my office. "How about lunch, Paidra?" she innocently asks. "Sure," I respond. We go to a restaurant both of us like. Neither wants to break the bank so we order something easily affordable. When the waitress brings the bill, we both get out our wallets. "Oh no!" Mary says. "What's wrong?" I ask. "I left my debit card at home," she exclaims. "I'll pay," I answer because I hate to see Mary in the back room doing dishes to pay for her lunch. "You're a lifesaver," she proclaims. Sitting back at my desk later I begin to analyze what happened. Either this was an innocent oversight on Mary's part or she tapped me for a free lunch. If Mary was a friend of mine, and we have history of eating out together, then it's easy to determine what took place. Does Mary usually pay for her own lunch? If I pay, does she pick up the tab the next time? How often do we eat together? Are we actually friends and fight over who will pay because we want to please each other? Or have I just been "touched" for a free lunch? The lunch in this case is not the issue. Substitute any exchange you want. Make it with your parents or children. Or even your husband or wife. Adapt the questions I've asked to your particular situation. When the exchange of words is complete, have I been used? If the answer is yes, then a plan of corrections must be adopted. We can still associate with these people without being used. When Mary stuck her head in my office and mentioned lunch, I could respond that I only have five dollars but am sure I can get a salad for that amount. If she responded with something like, "Good, let's go then," I can assume she didn't intend for me to pay. Or better yet, she offers to pay would be a good indication. Unless she knew I had a debit card and would come through in a pinch. This would go back to how well I knew Mary. If, on the other hand, she answered, "I don't want you spending your last dollar. We'll go some other time," chances are she was intending for me to pay for both of us. I realize this is a very basic example of what I'm saying but I want it to be so that the motivations are obvious. The user comes in wtih an appealing idea. We like the idea so we go along with it. Or they use one of the lines already mentioned, such as "If you really love me... bla, bla, bla." There is a saying which applies here. "Take advantage of me once, shame on you. Do it twice, shame on me." (Or some such variation) Unfortunately, we don't really know who the users / controllers are until they show their stripes. We can't assume everybody is one but we can be aware they are out there. Once we identify them, learn to step around their attempts. It can be really hard with those close to us, even painful, but we must learn if we are to ovoid being taken advantage of. Once the user learns we are not an easy target, they will usually back off. It's easier just to avoid these people, but what if we're married to them? Or what if they are our parents or children? Imagine yourself being a Zorro with a cape and sword. Be wise as the fox. Article Directory: http://www.articledashboard.com Paidra Delayno works in the senior healthcare industry. She also markets the fictional works of Loren Douglas, a new author in today's arena. Visit her blog at: wwwddinpaidra.blogspot.com For more on Profit & Loss, visit: profit-loss.blogspot.com |
|