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Raising Step Children
If we are being honest, there isn’t a mom or dad alive who wouldn’t immediately resent another person trying to step in and fill their shoes as a parent. As a parent, it is normal to feel entitled to that spot in your child’s life. However, most often – the stepparent is not liked by the ex, and if the ex makes that clear – the relationship with the children can be compromised. Your own biological children definitely don’t want to be caught loving on their new step mom or step dad and fear that such feelings would hurt their parent. So they either hide this closeness or shy away from it completely out of a feeling of loyalty to their birth parents. The problem is that when kids feel this way, it is normally because of something the parents are doing. If you are the stepparent, then raising your stepchildren will no doubt cause problems. First of all, realize that they might be torn in the middle. So many kids feel left out of the divorce process, and begin feeling as if they are losing control over their life. And you as the step mom or dad are an easy target. Before you react with an iron fist, try to be patient and kind. This doesn’t mean giving in or giving more to these children (which is actually counter productive) but instead understanding and firm. Don’t try to befriend them or be a pseudo-parent, and instead be yourself. If they seem to immediately retreat from your attempts at discipline – be firm and make sure that your spouse (the biological parent) are able to stand as a united front. If there is any sign that you and the kid’s real mom or dad may be at odds over a decision, the kids will inherently take that fact and run with it. It is very common for kids to try and mediate a split. Childish, yes! But remember they are just children. Also, make sure that you have family meetings. If you are a blended family integrating two different sets of children from two marriages, then you have to work hard to provide a uniform setting for the kids to live in. The rules should apply and be equal for everyone. If they aren’t you are recreating the Cinderella story and also causing a great deal of resentment between the stepchildren. No matter what, a stepparent should not force a child to call them mom or dad. This needs to be up to the child to decide, and forcing it can be emotionally scaring for the children. Similarly, stepparents should do their very best to refrain from talking about there adversary in front of the kids, which will immediately cause them to become defensive. As a step mom or step dad, it is okay to do things differently than how the biological parent does things. In fact, this ensures that you are adding more to the kid’s life. Try to do your own thing. Last but not least, give things time. This is a transitionary period in your life. As an adult, it is unrealistic to assume that just because you made a choice in a new partner – that your children have to agree. Divorce is confusing and step parenting is very difficult! Given time, patience, consistency and a positive outlook – blended families can be very empowering for children. Article Directory: http://www.articledashboard.com David Beart runs the Professors House. Our family based site covers everything from divorcing with kids to marriage advice and owning pets. |
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