The more things you do to harm others, the more shame you have to heal from. It is true that victims sometimes feel shame over the degrading abuse they have experienced; however, this is much more easily overcome in therapy than the shame you feel over times that you yourself were abusive to others. As surprising as it is, time and time again I have found it to be true that the most important factor in a victim’s recovery from abuse is not what happened to him or her, but rather what he or she did in response to what happened. If you chose to hurt others in response to your own pain, then you will be in therapy much longer.
People who hurt others extremely severely such as raping someone or committing murder, rarely ever become fully functioning because of the tremendous amount of courage and strength it requires to sort through those memories and receive forgiveness. One man I worked with had been sexually abused as a child by his father. He felt powerless to do anything back to his dad, so he channeled his anger toward someone weaker than himself. He sexually abused his younger brother for several years while they were growing up.
At the time of the abuse, he tried hard not to think about what damage his behavior might be inflicting and rationalized that everyone has sexual needs. He told himself, “If I lived through it, so can he. After all, he deserves it, the little brat.” We all know that this type of abuse can be incredibly damaging to the victim, but what we often fail to see is that it can be even more damaging to the abuser. If you do not believe this, just imagine how you would feel looking in your mirror knowing that you had been the perpetrator of such a crime. When this client reached adulthood, he entered therapy and started working through the issues surrounding his own abuse. It was during this process that he realized how serious his crime against his brother was.
The intensity of his shame was overwhelming. He tried hard to apologize for his abusive behavior, but to little avail. His brother, who is now a drug addict, does not want to talk about the abuse. This man has spent many years in torment over his choice. He continues to work at forgiving himself, but it is very hard, and he still suffers from serious bouts of depression. Though the consequences are not as obvious in less extreme cases, they are still there; this principle holds true regardless of the severity of the offense. When you say mean things or act abusively toward others, you extend the time it will take for you to become whole, and you make your own recovery more difficult. You must try to avoid being unkind to people even in small ways, not only for their sakes but for your own as well.
Dr. Robert Puff expertise covers stress and anger management, parenting, relationships, depression & healing from past traumas. As a therapist, he has a holistic approach to psychological issues. Visit www.DoctorPuff.com/ for more info.
Click the XML Icon Above to Receive Stress Management Articles Via RSS!
