Tantric Sex - Learning How To Connect Physically, Emotionally And Spiritually With Your Partner
In recent years there has been a growing interest in tantric sex – but what is it? Tantric practice originated in India over 6000 years ago as a reaction to the spiritual teaching of the time that believed that sexual and bodily expression prevented the attainment of enlightenment - tantra means to expand, manifest and to weave together, so it is a way of integrating the physical with the emotional and spiritual. Intimate sexual connection with another human being is likely to be the most beautiful and meaningful experience of our lives. It can easily take us into higher levels of consciousness. Sex is a celebration and sharing of our loving essence with another person. It is also a way of integrating the feminine and masculine aspects of our psychology that lie within both men and women.
Unfortunately sex can also be the cause of frustration, disappointment and emotional pain within a relationship. Sex can become one of the ways we compensate for the guilt and fear that come out of Dependence – we might use it rather like an aesthetic to take away our pain or to release stress. When used for gratification, sex loses its potential to bring us into closer relationship with our lover. What started off in the Honeymoon stage of our relationship as an intense physical attraction can change to one of disgust and loathing if it is simply used as a way of gaining pleasure and release. Eventually sex can become dull and boring.
Sex becomes problematic when it triggers our fear of intimacy – the physical closeness makes us feel emotionally vulnerable. The intimacy means that our insecurities and needs are literally laid bare for our partner to see. Any low self-esteem will be emphasized in a sexual relationship and tend to prevent us from bonding fully. This is made worse by any negative beliefs we may have about our bodies. There may be layers of sexual guilt around unhealed oedipal issues with our opposite sex parent that create a physical and emotional separation. Some religious doctrines and societal cultures have the unfortunate effect of creating sexual guilt and this too can make it difficult to fully express ourselves physically.
We have problems with sex if it is being used to meet our needs – when we are trying to satisfy ourselves and to raise our self-esteem by using another person. The way through these problems is to ensure that sex is a celebration of love During the early ‘Honeymoon’ stage of a relationship, sex is invariably good because it is part of an unconditional giving and receiving of love. It is significant that in our language, the act of sexual intercourse is called making love. Sex is therefore a wonderful opportunity to express our mutual love in a relationship – it removes any tendency to objectify our partner. If we are working to heal fear and guilt in our relationship, we will be removing the emotional separation with our partner, and this will automatically bring us physically closer. Eye contact is also important. During the Honeymoon stage, the level of eye contact between lovers is usually very high due to the intensity of the loving connection. Maintaining eye contact with our partner during sex allows us to join with them in the way that brings us very close. As the loving connection builds, we will move into higher levels of consciousness, to the point where sex has a spiritual dimension.
The Tantric takes sex from an emotional and physical experience into the spiritual
For sex to become a spiritual experience we need to accept our bodies as integrated parts of our spirituality. In the past we may have separated the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of our identity. In the Tantric these all come together. To do this we need to remove all judgment from our bodies and become fully present physically.
Normally, the discovery of spiritual levels of sexual connection come as part of a personal quest for healing – where we progressively let go of fear and insecurity and become ever more present and still. During sex we can feel an increased closeness to our partner and then extend the sensations of bonding to the spiritual. It is a matter of being willing to bond at the deepest level and being able to let go of our resistance to feeling so close to somebody. As we drop our protective defences we invite our partner to see and join with our spirit. As we feel safe, our partner will feel the same. This is not something that we have to learn, because this connection is, and has always been present – its just that we’ve failed to notice it. Obviously any guilt and low self-esteem or emotional and spiritual dissociation will act as a barrier to this level of connection, so we need to forgive ourselves and feel totally innocent during this process. In the tantric process there is a powerful sense of surrender – not in a frightening way but in a way that opens us up to every sensation that is available to us, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
During tantric sex we will be fully present in our bodies and feel an incredibly strong emotional and spiritual bond with our partner. It will feel as if we have melted together in love. As the masculine gift of love is fully received by the feminine, both parties are nurtured and uplifted. Not surprisingly, these can be the most amazing and joy filled experiences of our life. It is the total integration of two people and represents the ultimate pleasure that can be obtained in a relationship.
The physical aspects of sex that are often the main attraction at the beginning of the relationship, become part of a much larger emotional and spiritual experience in the Tantric stage. Many couples complain that their sex lives have lost their sparkle after many years together. This happens because they have allowed themselves to drift apart emotionally and spiritually. As we discover self-love and are able to fully connect with our partner, there is no reason why our sex lives cannot get better and better. It is through the realms of Tantric Mastery that our love for our partner grows ever stronger.
Peter Granger is an acclaimed relationship counsellor and life coach. He runs relationship and self-development workshops in the UK. He has recently launched a book called True Love - The Amazing Truth About Love, Relationships & Life. For more free relationship advice and information about his book, go to www.iloveyouloveme.com/
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