The Story I Made Up: How We Let Our Fantasies Steal Happiness From Our Lives
Have you ever gotten furious at someone, causing a big scene about how wronged you were, only to find out it was some trivial misunderstanding? Have you ever accused another of some transgression, only to discover later it was a miscommunication? Have you ever believed that someone had done something terrible to you, and then learned that this person was in extreme suffering in their own life (serious illness or severe loss) at the time? Have you ever spent hours, days, weeks, or months suffering over believing someone had deliberately hurt you, only later to learn that they were totally unaware due to their own life crisis?
If you’ve ever experienced any of these (and I think we all have), you’ve been blessed to be shown your process of "making up a story" about what is happening so you can be justified in feeling wounded and behaving hurt.
I was once walking down the street with a friend. He said, "Hi!" to a stranger on the sidewalk as we passed. The other person gave no acknowledgement. My friend ranted and raved and fumed long after the event. He thought the other person was rude. Here are some alternative possibilities to explain what happened.
- Perhaps the man was a city dweller and was more suspicious of friendliness than my friend (who lived in the country).
- It could be that the man had just lost a family member and was too deep in grief.
- Maybe he had just learned he had a life threatening disease.
- He might have a mental illness that made him terrified of strangers.
- Maybe he was late getting somewhere and did not even notice us on the sidewalk.
Start to be aware of any stories you tell yourself to explain the behaviors of others. Do you have a consistent pattern of explaining events so that you are the victim of other people’s behavior? Do you create a "story" about what happened without a word to the other person? Do you "go along" with things you don’t agree with, withdraw, make up a story and feel injured? Do you overreact by automatically assuming you have been deliberately slighted? Do you spend a lot of time focusing on other people’s behavior looking for transgressions real or imagined, while paying little attention to your own behavior and its impact on others?
Consider moving your attention back into your own body and sphere of influence. Start looking to your own behavior. Become aware of any "stories" you are making up about a situation. Look at the pattern of results of your stories. Do your stories justify your getting angry, feeling rejected, being hurt, retaliating, being mean to others (misdirecting your anger), or ending relationships?
Usually people use their "stories" to justify a behavior they want to do anyway, and intend to do anyway. Look at what you use your stories to justify. Do you justify stealing ("The clerk gave me too much change. They shouldn’t be so stupid."), being mean ("They hurt me, so I’m going to hurt them more"), lying ("He said he is working tonight, so he must not care. I’m going out with another guy.")
If you’re really paying attention to your stories, you will soon discover how you use stories to justify your behavior, pretend to be a victim, make yourself right and others wrong and generally complicate human interaction. Letting go of stories will guarantee you a lot more happiness.
Suzi Elton is a success coach working with highly creative types to create income that matches their talent. She has coached hundreds of clients to approach their goals strategically through tiny steps to bring about quantum leaps. Get free Life Purpose exercises, at mylifepurposecoaching.com.
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