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Drumsticks along the Tabletop By : God's Penman Finally, the house was quiet and I was relaxing in my favorite recliner musing on the activities of the day. Just a few hours previous, the house was clamoring with the noise of my family celebrating another Thanksgiving Day together. My wife is in the kitchen putting the final touches on the cleanup activity that finished a few moments ago. The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period - Second Half;The Invention of Everything By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com “Really?” “Yeah. We figure, why make the creatures think about the billions of things that will be going on to keep them alive. We want to free them up to think about their lives, do things they actually want to do, and, my favorite subject, think about and discover the given.” “The given?” “What the universe is made of, how it works, etc.” New Study Shows The Good Life May Be The Short Life By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Love the good things in life? So we do. Unfortunately, a new study shows that if you're content with voluntary starvation you can live longer. The proof is in the monkeys. One rhesus monkey was put on a calorie-restricted diet, while the other one was allowed to eat till content. You already know the disgusting result. Lou, The Chimp. 98% Human And Still Going Strong After 40 Years In A Cage By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com We knew chimpanzees are a 98% genetic match for humans. We didn’t, however, know Lou, a 42-year-old chimp who was born in Africa and brought to the U. S. when he was two. In the season premiere of “Nature” on PBS, called “Chimpanzees: An Unnatural History,” we learn that Lou lived in New Mexico, where he was the object of a variety of medical experiments. They were, we are told, often risky and painful. Then the documentary provides much better news about humans, who, according to the same biology, are 98% chimpanzee. We learn that there are some people who are dedicated to making Lou’s remaining years, as well as those of other chimps, more enjoyable. More Good News About Booze By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com A new medical study has provided more good news about booze. There is an ingredient in red wine that apparently really does prolong life, at least, the life of mice. How do we know? In a recent study, mice that were fed all kinds of artery-clogging foods and fattened up were given huge doses of the elixir, while other mice were just fattened up. Despite being obese, the cardiovascular systems of the lucky mice on the regimen remained healthy – so healthy the researchers, at no less than the Harvard Medical School, rushed to publish their findings even before the study was complete. Celebrities Provide The Third Answer: Fame With Power By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com The usual cynic’s choice is to ask, what would you rather have, fame without power or power without fame? Yet even a cursory look at contemporary society reveals that celebrities have managed to devise a third choice: fame with power. The Invention of Details, With A Final Q & A Period;The Invention of Everything, An Eyewitness Account By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com At last, we came to the final meeting. It was time to invent details like gravity and magnetism. Then we were scheduled for a final question and answer period. I was waiting for the right moment to bring up my idea that every planet that would have life that can read should come with an instruction manual. “Well, what do you know? Here we are, at our final meeting. How long do you think we need?” “It should go pretty fast.” “Good. Did you prepare an agenda?” “Yes, I did. I thought we’d start with gravity, move on to magnetism, confirm food, and then cover a few elements of environmental variety that we haven’t discussed, like snow.” “Snow? What’s that?” “Something that happens to rain when it gets colder. I’ll get to it later.” “What about the Q and A session?” “I believe we scheduled that for the end.” “Good. Then, please, proceed.” Presidential Prospects of John Kerry Not Very Merry By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Although John Kerry was not very merry when he lost his bid for President, he continued to maintain that he deserves a second chance. He might have had one if it weren’t for two very significant obstacles: Hillary Clinton and John Kerry. There is little he can do about the allure of Hillary. Though she’s a member of the party that seems determined to be at odds with the inclinations of most Americans, she might have so much appeal that she can pull off a Presidential win. But a more significant obstacle for Senator Kerry is the Senator himself. Veteran politico that he is, he seems to have run his own swift boat into the rocks. How could he have allowed himself such an egregious misjudgment as to state before a university audience that anybody who doesn’t study hard could “get stuck in Iraq”? Iran Continues To Star As The Mouse That Roared By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Hardly a day goes by that we don’t hear diminutive Iran roar like a lion about its nuclear ambitions. Or growl about its mighty power by launching yet another flight of missiles. Yet among the world’s most powerful nations Iran remains inarguably diminutive. So, regardless of all the bluster, it can never be more than the mouse that roared. The powers that be can observe and even indulge Iran, but they know quite well that the mouse better behave itself, because they can always give in a backhand and send it sprawling across the floor and scurrying back into its hole. Are we attempting to make fun of the descendants of the Darius? No. We have a more considerate goal. Our intention is to reveal that the efforts of its leaders to brandish weapons and pretend to be a superpower are unwisely conceived. They hope to be what, due to their nation’s size and resources, they can never be. Surprised Again! Our Most Powerful Vote Is Not Where We Spend Our Money By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Most days we all feel pretty powerless, except for where we decide to spend our money. Now, that’s real voting power! Yet every couple of years we’re reminded that we actually do get to vote for the people who will lead the nation. Contemplating our returning power, we start to feel a strength even greater than we get from voting with the almighty dollar. Our growing cynicism gives way to hopes for improvement. And we realize once again that our most important vote really is who we vote for as the captain and officers of the good ship America. Form Of Argument Used By Terrorists Not In Aristotle’s Rhetoric By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com As the body count mounts in Iraq, it has become evident that the terrorists, along with the homicidal sectarians, have developed a new form of argument that is not found in Aristotle’s Rhetoric. The philosopher’s civilized inclinations never prompted him to include, among such acknowledged forms of argument as Argumentum ad Populum and Argumentum ad Hominem, the terrorist oratorical mainstay, Argumentum ad Homicidium. In other words, argument by murder. We might also note that Aristotle neglected to include it even though he himself had to flee threats against his life by his former, and apparently much disgruntled student, Alexander The Great. What If Everybody Promised Not To Kill Anybody For Just One Day? By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Now, here’s a radical idea. As we see the body count pile up in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Africa, along with the daily occurrences of murder worldwide, including right here in the gun-toting USA, we ask ourselves, wouldn’t it be wonderful if everybody would promise not to kill anybody for just one day? Imagine, an entire 24-hours without a single person being killed by another person? One day and one night without having to see a tearful human being lamenting the murder of someone they love. Bush Rows Upstream In Iraq, As In Up Niagara Falls By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com President Bush continues to row upstream in Iraq, even though the current seems to pick up speed every minute. In fact, he seems to be rowing up Niagara Falls. But he just keeps on going, despite the fact the majority of Americans are standing on the venerable Niagara tour boat, The Maid of the Mist, and calling out to him to quit already. Apparently, the roar of the falls is too deafening for him to hear them. While he presents the appearance of flexibility, his goal remains the same: a peaceful, secure, and democratic Iraq. Does that sound like a fairytale or what? And can somebody please tap him on the shoulder and tell him fairytales don’t usually come true? Halloween Takes A Hit; Ghosts And Vampires Are Now Scientifically Impossible By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com As if Halloween isn't in big enough trouble because of the ability of the everyday world to spook us, two of the fright night's favorite ways of horrifying children have now been declared scientific impossibilities. A scientist, determined to disabuse the public of its belief in the preternatural, has proved mathematically that vampires can't exist. Using a calculator, he determined that if a vampire sucked one person's blood each month and, in the process, turned every victim into a vampire, who in turn began to bite other people at the same rate, after just a few years the entire human race would be vampires. To be exact, he started on January 1, 1600 with just one vampire and the current human population of 537 million. According to his calculator, by July 1602 normal folks would have vanished. Since that doesn't appear to be the case, the existence of even one vampire has apparently had the stake put in its heart. Clever Vladimir Putin Says He Won't Run For A Third Term By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Vladimir Putin, the elected 3-time czar of Russia, announced that he will not seek a fourth term. In doing so, he dutifully tipped his hat to the Russian constitution, which forbids anyone to run for more than three terms. Yet the former KGB wiz, while managing to present himself as likable, indicated that he would still remain a power in Russian politics. "Despite the fact that I like my job, the constitution doesn't allow me to run a third time in a row," he said, while his supporters have already called for a referendum to amend the laws so he can stay in office. New Cosmetic Surgery Provides Eyelashes You Can Perm By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Think you’ve seen it all? How about having eyelashes long enough to perm or gazing into the eyes of a woman who perms her own? As long as we’ve got our eyes on tomorrow, how about if the lovely lass wears them in pigtails? Such lashes just became a real possibility, thanks to ever-resourceful plastic surgeons figuring out how to transplant head hair into eyelids. “Lisey’s Story” By Stephen King: A Romance Just In Time For Halloween By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Stephen King has published a new book that is supposed to be a romance. But it turns out to be a romance that should might best take place during Halloween. He has not only written about two characters who loved each other; he has reverted to character. While based somewhat touchingly on his relationship with his wife, recently deceased, the story turns things around a bit. Now, the lead character is the wife, Lisey, who is going through the papers of her well-known writer-husband, recently deceased. You guessed it. She discovers scary things. The Invention of Land Creatures; Part Seven, The Invention of Everything, An Eyewitness Account By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com When today’s meeting began, there was a special excitement in the air. We had invented the creatures that would go in the water and the air. Now, we were going to invent the land creatures. Once we decided on them, we’d have creatures for all the places where there would be places for them. “Today’s the big day. We finish inventing creatures. Did you bring any prototypes?” “Yes, I did.” “Excellent. Why don’t you take the lead?” “Thank you. I’ll get to the examples I brought in a moment, but first I’d like to give you an overview of what we have in mind in tech.” “Please, go ahead.” “Thank you. As I said in the previous meeting, we plan to utilize the creatures we already have in the water to get some up onto the land.” Debate Opponent Knocks Hillary’s Looks; Surgically Removes Self From Contention By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com There are a lot of things you can say about Hillary Clinton, and just about all of them have been said too many times. Now, her Republican opponent for Senate in New York, John Spencer, decided to say something about her looks. "You ever see a picture of her back then? Whew," the desperate politico reportedly confided to a reporter for the New York Daily News. "I don't know why Bill married her," he reportedly raved on. He is also reported to have said that she had benefited from "millions of dollars of work – plastic surgery." “She looks good now," he supposedly conceded. His attack immediately labeled him as such an airhead that he surgically removed himself from contention, not that, according to the pollsters, he was ever in contention. Communists Sell North Korea And Iran “The Noose To Hang Themselves With” By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Remember Lenin’s quip that “The capitalists would sell us the noose to hang them with”? Talk about the inevitability of history. Now the statement seems to apply more to the communists. When UN sanctions went into effect against North Korean, Beijing vowed to enforce them, at least, as much they vow to enforce anything other than repression of their own people’s freedoms. Remember how atwitter Condi Rice was about China’s willingness? But a look along its border with Kim Jong IL’s potentate’s paradise reveals that goods and services are passing the Chinese boarder guards as freely as they did before sanctions were imposed. And to think that we expected China to forgo profit for principles, when it has obviously attached itself to the principle that the best way to defeat the capitalists is to do business better than they Politicians Now Have Clean Hands; Rectitude Not Required By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com Now, even the most nefarious politicians have clean hands. Just ask them and they’ll show them to you. How is that possible? Have they all suddenly been overcome by moral rectitude? Not at all. While we’re free to tell ourselves such a fairytale, the surprising feat is due entirely to the wide use of hand disinfectant. It seems that politicians have discovered the germ theory of disease. They know if they go out and shake a multitude of hands, they’re likely to get cold and flu germs on them and who knows what else. Everyday Events Now Make Halloween Night Seem Safe By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com As we contemplate the scary rituals and costumes of Halloween, we cannot help but reflect that the everyday world has become so spooky it makes the night of goblins and witches seem downright safe. For example, we see the annual proliferation of rubber monster masks and skeletal getups in store windows that are intended to frighten children of all ages and compare the ability of them to horrify them with the world adults have condemned today's kids to grow up in, like real headless bodies being tossed into the streets of Iraq on an almost daily basis and real skeletons are unearthed in the mass graves left by Saddam Hussein’s barbarous regime. New Bush Tactic On “Stay The Course” In Iraq: “Don’t Say It; Just Stay It.” By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com The press was abuzz with the news that President Bush has dropped the dumb saying in regard to Iraq that America will “stay the course.” Unfortunately, almost all other comments emanating from the oval office indicate that he intends to keep the same dumb strategy. In other words, with political pressures mounting as the November wakeup call draws nigh, the administration seems to have arrived at the politically expedient policy, “Don’t say it; just stay it.” New Government Study Fails To Locate Mexicans Who Know What A Ladder Is By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com An extensive study by the U. S. government of Mexicans hoping to enter America illegally has concluded that not a single one of them knows what a ladder is.This key finding has given impetus to funding for extensions of the border fence between America and Mexico. As President Bush noted, “Today is a lucky day for America. We have learned that aspiring illegal immigrants cannot resort to ladders, because they never heard of them. So all we need is a fence that’s too high to jump over.” The Invention Of Water And Air Creatures; Second Half Of Part Six, The Invention Of Everything By : Tom Attea - “I’ll go along with that. You were talking about developing a way for the creatures in the water to breathe. How’d you manage that?” “Gil had an insight, so we call it gills. Let me take this little fella out and demonstrate for a moment. Excuse me, he’s kind of feisty. Got ya! OK, now look here. See these little red things just behind its head.” “Yeah. Those the gills?” “Right.” “How do they work?” “The fish uses its mouth and these flaps to move water over th... Humor Makes It Happen By : Gary Le Mon Question: How many of the top 25 annuity agents in America give seminars? Answer: All of them. If you want to move your insurance career into the big money – the million-dollar-a-year money – then financial planning seminars for seniors is your career path. And a good helping of humor can help make it happen. A World In Love With Jokes By : Justine Nofal There are not enough joke books to meet the demand. Laughter and joy is in undersupply. Urgent Search For New Islamic Sect, Called Smiley Muslims By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com As Shiites and Sunnis continue to knock each other off in Iraq and rant against the West, the search for a new Muslim sect has become urgent. The revolutionary spin off, to be called Smiley Muslims, has only one religious duty: smiling General Motors Finds A Way To Use Solar Power Even When It Can’t Afford To Install It By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com General Motors, long inept at making cars with quality ratings that might persuade Americans to buy them, now finds itself too broke to install solar power. But it has made a clever and commendable accommodation to its impoverishment. It has agreed to allow a solar-power company to install a system on the roof of one of its warehouses and then buy the power as it would from any other electric company. New Microsoft Achievement:Making Even Norton And McAfee Feel Insecure By : Tom Attea-NewsLaugh.com After years of making its users feel insecure about viruses and worms, Microsoft has finally achieved what was until now hardly imaginable: making the companies dedicated to its own security feel insecure. It seems that in its new operating system, Vista, scheduled for release in early 2007, the software giant has been unable to restrain itself from its storied monopolistic tendencies and has dared to include its own security system.
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