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The Party Store Surgeon General Uncertain About What Hospital To Check His Grandmother Into Despite Hurricane Season, Weather Still Better Than On Moon Bolivian President Evo Morales: Expropriates Energy Company Assets While Accusing Them Of Stealing Time To Bring Pete Rose Home JazzFest In New Orleans Kicks Off Without Jazz Infant Author Accused Of Plaigarism; Copied Sounds In Nursery America To Sue Rest Of World For Ungrateful Behavior Pope to Rule On Condoms And AIDS; May Consult People With Hands-On Experience Microsoft Vista To Support Only Microsoft Products; Denies Monopolistic Intent Government Study Shows Decrease In Buying Power Of Dollar; Now Equal To Penny The Topless CPA Hillary Clinton To Become Republican Iraqi Insurgents In Secret Talks; Admit May Be Fighting Wrong Enemy Nightclub For Baby Boomes Raided; Patrons Nabbed For Dropping Antacid Proof Tax Laws Faulty: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Set To Declare Bankruptcy Hispanic Immigrants Demonstrate; "Illegal" Not In Spanish Dictionary Sun Will Only Burn For 5 Billion More Years; Humans Express Concern Circus Clowns - Without Skill Laughter Turns Into Disaster U.S. Ends Oil Dependency; Turns B.S. Into Fuel Update: Artic National Wildlife Refuge: Senate Rejects "Oil Drilling"; Approves "Oil Hunting." Clever Mayor Roy Nagen: Has Runoff Election With White Guy Who Looks Just Like Roy Himself Basketball For Short People: Basket To Be Lowered Another Dracula, Another Flop Met Meets Greece's Request; Returns Ancient Toilet Seats Ken Lay Explains Behavior With Poem From Childhood: "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep." Medical Researcher Discovers Cause Of Asinine Behavior Major Software Innovation: Same Tasks In All Programs Will Be Done With Same Clicks Man Loses Memory; Shows Up At Emergency Room Gas Prices Go "Gas-tronomical!"
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