Charlie Hatton's Articles

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  • Bio Hazards
    We have this fancy new employee directory web site at work. It's meant to help us find each other, by showing our office locations, phone extensions, and a photo.

    It is not, I've been told, meant to help us find pics and phone numbers of hot chicks on the floor above us, so we can call and giggle at them like an idiot. I've been told this several times, in fact. The last time in writing, even. Whatever.
  • Buy Yourself Something Nice, Birthday Girl
    I've been invited to a party. A birthday party. For a two-year-old. And I'm frightened.

    I don't personally have a lot of experience with large groups of children - for basically the same reasons that I don't have much experience with large packs of hungry wolves.
  • Don't Talk to Me About 'Life'
    Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because 'you never know what you're going to get'. Others say that life is like a rose, delicate and beautiful but cursed with thorns. Then there are those who say life is like a river, or an ocean, or a lake. Well, here's what I have to say...
  • Good Eats, Amazing Feats
    I've got nothing against Chuck Norris. Or Vin Diesel. Or even Bill Brasky.

    But sometimes you need a hero with different skills. Culinary skills, for instance. A man who slings pickle chips, not roundhouse kicks. A guy with a powerful bouillabaisse, not a blazing beard of power. A forker, not a fighter.
  • Good News for Goofballs
    Do you sometimes think those '...for Dummies' books were written for you? Still perplexed by the 'got your nose!' trick? Ever believed that 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary? Fear not -- now there's help available just for you. Written for idiots, about idiots, and most certainly by an idiot.
  • How I Feel About Pirates
    Pirates are BAD because they steal booty from other people. The only people that should get to steal booty from other people is me. Also, I should get a pet parrot. And get to say, 'Arrrrr!' whenever I want.
  • How I Feel About... Hippos
    Hippos are GOOD because the full name, Hippopotamus, from the Greek, is also the proper name of the animals' genus. So if you get off your lazy ass and say the whole word, you'll sound like a scientist. See that, you just learned a Greek word. Hippos made you smarter already.
  • My Hallmark Moment
    I have a wedding anniversary coming up in a few days. So, like a good little husband, I bought chocolate and flowers. And then I went looking for a card. And what a miserable damned experience that was.
  • Reality Shows We'll (Hopefully) Never See
    Just when it seems reality TV has hit rock bottom, a new and ever-more demeaning show emerges to set the bar even lower. Here are a few of the offerings that don't exist yet -- but just wait until the suits at FOX and UPN get wind of these ideas.
  • Speed-Dating Diaries: The Jolly Green Giant
    Eight-minutes is barely enough time for a regular person to get to know someone, and find a romantic connection. So how tough would it be for a thirty-foot-tall green monster in a leafy loincloth? Let's find out.
  • The Good Old Days Are Gone
    Do you miss the 'good old days'? Ever wish things were just the way they used to be, so many years ago? Are you bamboozled by the hustle and bustle of the modern world? Be careful what you yearn for.
  • Twelve Simple Rules for Sucking Less Than 'Eight Simple Rules'
    America is a country of sitcom watchers. We all like a nice chuckle now and again, but unfortunately the good shows are outnumbered, outgunned, overwhelmed, and often obliterated by the bad.

    In an effort to stem the tide of inane, sugary pap gushing down our satellite feeds, here are a dozen ways to improve the average -- and significantly below-average; I'm looking at you, 'Yes, Dear' -- situational comedy.
  • Valentine's Day for Dummies
    Saint Valentine's Day rolls around just once a year. And if you've been married as long as I have, your chances for sex don't come much more often. 'There's always next year' is a fine mantra for a Cubs fan or a Libertarian, but not for a lover. So don't miss your amorous opportunity this year -- heed the following Valentine's Day advice.
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