Should I Confront Our Former Minister Over His Plagiarized Sermons?
In his response, the Ethicist noted: “The analogy you draw with religion is worth taking seriously; religious disagreements, as you suggest, involve both identity and core beliefs. You’ve come to see that her fundamental understanding of the world, an understanding that shapes her sense of her life’s meaning, is deeply mistaken. But it also seems clear that fully airing your skepticism isn’t going to weaken her faith. She will simply be convinced that your fundamental understanding of the world, an understanding that will shape the career ahead of you, is deeply mistaken. … And yet honesty matters. So do your own values and sense of identity, which are connected with a justified respect for the scientific approach. When people in families disagree about deep religious matters, the aim should be not conversion to a single view but mere toleration — toleration being the best achievable outcome. The same applies here.” (Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The Ethicist’s religion analogy is a helpful one for me, and I will try applying it in a slightly different context. One of my family members is increasingly veering toward anti-vax beliefs and I find that very hard to stomach. Yet I love this family member and her children deeply and try not to alienate her. Thinking of her worldview as a religious matter offers a more respectful way of compartmentalizing her beliefs than the ones I have been using and will hopefully facilitate more tolerance on my part. I also wish the “other side” would remember that our concern comes from the same place of love and desire to protect, even if it is based on what they believe to be untrustworthy science. — Joan
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I think of alternative health care practitioners as specialists in acupuncture, chiropractic, Chinese medicine, etc. All of these methods have given me relief in my long journey with Stage 4 cancer, along with qigong, tai chi, turkey tail mushroom extract and meditation. My oncologist is fully onboard with all of this. Yet I remember my doctors questioning the value of acupuncture 40 years ago. Carrying anti-electromagnetic devices makes me curious about the mother’s practice. The letter writer should keep an open mind, but she should also reiterate that her values are different from her mother’s. — Judith
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As a licensed massage therapist with an additional 10-year background in the natural health industry, this letter was of particular interest to me. Sadly, the alternative field is a magnet for a multitude of extreme practices and theories. In this instance there is a loving mother wishing to watch out for her child — and trust me, your children, no matter how old or well educated, are always your children. Her “gifts” of unwanted advice and charms bear a greater gift: love. It would be unkind to both if this is forgotten. One can accept the loving intention and still gracefully decline the gift. The mother and daughter both have an opportunity to grow. — Laura
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Eight years ago, I lost one of my closest friends. She’d been having pains in her back and belly for several years and decided to go to a doctor specializing in alternative medicines. When there was no lasting relief, she finally went to a conventional doctor, but by then it was too late. She was given a diagnosis of Stage 4 cancer and died less than 18 months later. If only she had at least sought out a conventional path for a second opinion, maybe she’d be alive today. No one in her group of family members and friends ever imagined that she had cancer and subsequently did not encourage her to go the more usual route — to our everlasting regret. I still miss my friend, and will take my regret to the grave. — Roberta
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While I agree with the Ethicist that mutual tolerance and understanding is the best possible outcome here, I would encourage the letter writer to consider her own intolerance and “religious” adherence to science as a factor in this situation. I am a scientist and I observe principles of alternative medicine, which have worked quite well for me. My point here is that the two do not have be mutually exclusive. While it does sound like the letter writer’s mother is on the more extreme end of alternative medicine devotees, it’s possible that the letter writer’s rejection of alternative practices has escalated the tension. As a scientist, I know about the triumphs and incredible benefits (think vaccines, surgeries) as well as the failures, negligence, racism and scandal that have occurred in modern medical science. A bit more humility and acknowledgment of these realities may go a long way with the letter writer’s mother. There is no absolute black and white here. — Iris
