They Ran an Illegal Scam. Do We Let Our Child Go to Their Home?
Four years ago, after many years with no contact, I finally reconnected with the best man from my wedding, who is probably my longest very good friend. We both worked for the same company in our first jobs after college. Eventually, he relocated to the South while I remained in the North. After we reconnected, we began writing letters to maintain the friendship and to keep each other informed about our lives. We chose to write letters because writing forces you to think a bit before putting pen to paper and it seems to create a more intimate bond between us, much stronger than electronic bits and bytes.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I would like to delve into matters beyond family life. I am afraid, however, that writing about issues such as science and politics might open rifts that might be difficult to bridge. At our meeting four years ago, he recounted that he had adopted a literal belief in the Old Testament (something that had definitely not been an issue when our friendship was forming), while I’m a strong believer in science. Given his beliefs, I don’t know how he would view my understanding of evolution and the age of the universe. Further, I happen to know that he is registered with a political party that I believe has become the most significant threat to American democracy ever seen in the life of the country. Because I don’t think he would understand my own beliefs, I have avoided this subject, to the point of avoiding discussing the events of Jan. 6, 2021. Finally, he told me in one of his letters that he prefers to write about religion, a subject in which I, as a lapsed Catholic, have little interest; I would probably have less than positive things to say about organized religions if we did discuss them.
My reluctance to expose more of my beliefs makes me feel that I am somehow engaging in patronizing behavior or even lying in a way, hiding my beliefs to maintain our friendship. But shouldn’t real friendship be able to transcend this problem? I am at a loss as to how to proceed. Name Withheld
Whether a friendship can survive deep disagreements depends on how the friends are able to address them.
It sounds as if what you’re worried about — straining a friendship you value — is already happening. As you withhold more of your opinions, you’re effectively distancing yourself. Your exchanges seem to be proceeding along a narrowing aperture, tightened by the consciousness of all the topics you’re afraid to broach. Your friend may feel similarly.
Why not write a letter telling him that you clearly have beliefs and values that are at odds with his and that you want to find ways of discussing these things in an open-minded and respectful way while maintaining a meaningful friendship? Whether a friendship can survive deep disagreements depends on how the friends are able to address them.
I get the sense that you’re worried not just about how he would react to your views; you’re also worried about how you would react to his. Perhaps you can’t imagine seriously entertaining his political opinions. You’ve already conveyed your distaste for the subject of religion. (I, like you, am a lapsed Christian, but I confess I can find conversations about theological matters intellectually gripping, even when they presuppose beliefs I no longer share.) Still, the result of your apprehension is that you’re keeping out of your letters a discussion of questions that genuinely interest you.
